As this year comes to an end I am very happy to close the doors on a lot of what has happened this last year, however I also do know and realize a lot of the good that has come out of our circumstances. I am sure someday I will look back at 2013 and wonder how we did it, how we made it through. Right now we are still trying to live a day at a time and living each moment. There were times I cried more than I ever have before and it has definitely been the hardest year of my life. I thought we had been given difficult times and trials prior to this year, but now looking back all of those were a piece of cake. If I could I would step back to the 2012 Natalie who really had a great life going, who even though 2012 had its own challenges, she was still thinking life was great and really she had no care in the world.... Just living life like most mom's do.... Busy running here and there, life was chaotic, kids in all different activities, I was working outside of the home, busy with church callings and activities, helping at the kids' school and school activities, life was going great. If I could, I would go back and give that Natalie a hug, I would hold her tight and try to give her a heads up and a warning of what was about to happen to her and her family. I would hug her and say "You can do this. There will be days when you think you can't, but you can. And you will." I won't miss the year 2013, but I will be grateful for you. I have lost friends I love, realized who will never give up on me and became eternally grateful for the family and friends who though miles and miles separated us, they walked with me, held my hand and carried me when I could not do it myself. I can not thank those of you enough and you should all know who you are. I had friends, neighbors, family and a community that did numerous fundraisers to help our sweet Angel get to transplant and to help pay for the many, many bills that are still rolling in and that will continue to cause us stress and financial burdens forever. I had friends that I thought cared, that seemed to disappear when I needed them the most and yet built freindships that will last forever. I would let that Natalie from 2012 that really had no worries, (or if she did they were really stupid one's compared to what was about to happen) know that her life would be changing and it would never be the same. There will never be another day in my life that I won't worry about Ariauna and what might happen next with her disease. This will now be a life long journey, and it is not going to be an easy one. There is a lot of things from 2013 I am happy to close the chapter on, the day my daughter was diagnosed with a disease that has no cure, watching my sweet angel suffer, hurt beyond belief, go through radiation and chemotherapy, lose her hair (which was one of her biggest fears) and basically fight for her life. I watched other families who's children were also fighting unbelievable diseases and some who's child did not make it through transplant. I was there and saw their hearts shatter at losing their child, and had a pain and heartbreak for them that I have never experienced before. Even though these memories will always be part of our book..... I am very happy to move on to a different chapter.
There were happy days too, there always are and there is always something to be thankful for. I will forever be grateful to a pediatrician who realized 9 pounds to lose for my sweet girl was a lot and did something about it right then. Had it not been for him, I don't know when we ever would have found out she had this disease and she could have gotten so much sicker, and it even could have been to late to do a transplant. I will forever be grateful for the Hemotologist/Oncologist fellow (who even though I felt like he threw me under the bus)that knew his stuff and knew just looking at Ariauna and talking to us for a few minutes that she had several symptoms of someone who might have Fanconi Anemia. I will forever be grateful that our Insurance would not cover it at Primary Children's Hospital so that we would be sent to the place that has the best specialists for her disease. I will forever be grateful to the sweet mom who donated her cord blood to help save my sweet girl. I will forever be grateful that Ariauna has engrafted and that she is 100% donor cells. I will forever be grateful to family, friends, neighbors, and our ward family (church family) who helped take care of my family here at home while I was thousands of miles away taking care of our sweet angel. I will forever be grateful to be a member of the LDS Church and that there are members of our church all over the country willing and ready to help other members. I will forever be grateful to the sweet families in Minnesota who though I was a complete stranger, took us under their wings and helped us in ways they will never know. They helped me so much in a time when I felt so alone and scared in a state thousands of miles away from home. I will forever be grateful to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for being there with me every step of the way during our journey. There was numerous times when I look back and can only see one set of footprints and I know it was then, that they carried me. I will forever be grateful to all the other sweet families we met at the Ronald McDonald house and for the love, support, concern, and friendships I made with them, each one of them will always hold a special place in our hearts as they were my family away from home. I will always consider them my RMH family and will hold them dear to my heart. I learned a lot this last year and the most important thing I learned is to never take the little things for granted. I have always liked the saying "Someday those little things will be the BIG things" and I know this is true. It is not until things are taken away from you that you realize how important they really were. I have definitely learned the hard way, what is the most important and will never take those things for granted anymore. I will forever be grateful for the alone time that I got to have with Ariauna, even thought it was doing something not very fun, I will always treasure those 2 1/2 months that we got to spend every waking minute one on one with just the two of us. I will forever be grateful for the numerous tender mercies we felt from our Lord and Savior. I will forever be grateful for Ariauna and her unbelievable amount of courage she has had and continues to have. She is a true hero to me and a huge inspiration to me. I am so very proud of her for giving it her all and for the most part doing it with a smile on her face. I will continue to try to make every day be the very best, to make lots of memories, to spend more time together as a family and to make every day count.
Though our year has been tough, we definitely have plenty to be thankful for. Here is hoping 2014 is a little bit nicer on us and that we can have a Healthy and Happy 2014.
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