Minnesota here we come......Like it or not!

It is with much sadness that I write this post tonight. Primary Children's Medical Center called today to let me know that we do not qualify for Medicaid (because of life insurance policies and too many things we own) and the single contract is not going through and it is time to move forward. The financial advisor that called me from Primary's said that the two hospitals Dr. McManus (bone marrow doctor) would refer us to are in Minnesota or Cincinnati. My heart immediately sunk. What the heck I thought we would be going to Colorado, Washington or California. I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told the Financial advisor I was confused as to why so far away. She just said that Dr. McManus felt like the other two would be better options for the diagnosis Ariauna has. She told me she would talk to Dr. McManus and have her call me sometime. I hung up the phone and tears started to stream down my face. I knew all along we may have to go out of State and really deep down in my heart I had a feeling that is what we would end up doing. But I had myself convinced it would be Denver and that maybe Jerry and the kids could drive over to see us once in awhile. This put a whole new perspective on things. There is no way we can afford for Jerry and the kids to fly out to visit every weekend, in fact we may not get to see them the whole 3 1/2 months. Once again, I am heart broken, sometimes I wonder how many more heartbreaks I can handle. I can not even fathom leaving my other three kids home for that long without seeing them. It had not even been five minutes when Dr. McManus called me. She explained that we need to move forward with the transplant and that they have not gotten anything from our Insurance on the single contract at all. She asked me if we had family in Denver that we were planning to stay with, I told her no that my brothers family lives about 5 hours away from there. Then she explained to me that they talked as a team of bone marrow doctors up at Primary's and all consulted on Ariauna's case and they all feel like it would be in our best interest to take Ariauna to one of the hospitals back East. And preferably to Minnesota. She explained that the hospital in Minnesota is the hospital who has done the most bone marrow's on Fanconi Anemia patients. I have known all along that a bone marrow transplant on a Fanconi Anemia patient is a lot different then on other kids. They have to prescribe different medicines, the chemotherapy they give is different because her poor little body won't be able to handle the stuff they normally give to bone marrow patients. So it makes sense that she would want us to go to specialists who have dealt with these kinds of cases. We had a good little chat and they are going to call our Insurance and verify a few other things with them. To see if we will be able to go to Primary's for follow up care after our 100 days out of state or if we will have to go to Minnesota for the follow up appointments for the first year. I guess each Insurance company is different. Dr. McManus will be getting in touch with the bone marrow doctors in Minnesota tonight and will hopefully have some answers and names of the doctor over there to give to me tomorrow. She did say that we would need to go over ahead of time to do the final consultation before the transplant. I hung up the phone with her and had a complete meltdown. I sat on the front porch and cried for an hour straight. I still can not believe this is happening to us, I still can not believe my sweet little girl has something so wrong with her when on the outside she looks so good.  As a mom, I can not even explain the fear, the heartbreak of being away from my other kids for that long. I know my family and friends here will do everything they can to help.... But that is not good enough for me.... I want to be their mom, I want to be there taking care of them each and everyday. I want to tuck them in each night and whisper I love you in their ear. I don't want to rely on everyone else to take care of them. I am going to miss out on things I don't want to miss out on. It was so hard on us to be away from each other for 5 weeks, I can not even imagine this. I can not imagine being away from my hubby who is my best friend and going through this trial separated. I know I will be hurting in Minnesota and he will be hurting here at home. I will miss him sooo much too.  I can't think about it all, I can't picture being away from them all that long.  I know it is only three months, but it is three months to long for me. My heart is so full tonight, even though I sometimes feel like nothing is going right for us. Maybe this is the way it is meant to be, maybe this is the Lord's way of taking care of Ariauna the very best. Even though my prayers are not being answered the way I want and in the time frame I want, maybe this is the Lord's way.  I am scared to death... I have never traveled out of state by myself, flown by myself, let alone go through this pretty much by myself. I am scared to death to know I am going to be thousands and thousands of miles away from home and will be watching my little angel be so sick while having chemotherapy and know that I am there by myself. No family and friends to stop in and say Hi and give me that hug I might just need at that exact moment in time. I think I will feel more alone during those 3 1/2 months then I have ever felt before. Even though you all get to read my ranting and raving and my heartbreaks, I do have so much to be grateful for. I am grateful to have Insurance, that will pay even if it is thousands of miles away. I am grateful to have my sweet Ariauna and if this is an opportunity to give her a second chance in life and a new "Birth" day I will do this. I am grateful that there are doctors out there that do know how to help my little girl. I know some how, some way I will make it through this. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for his being with me through this all. I am going to definitely need my Heavenly Father and my Savior to help me through this. I am grateful for my family and my dear friends that have been there and are continually there for me through the thick and the thin, the good and the bad, who have helped me along this path and who have gone above and beyond for us. I am grateful for those who are spending countless hours planning fundraiser's to earn money in our families behalf and for our ward family and all that they have done for us. Thank you all for the prayers, and comfort you give to us.  I need to just remember  "The sun'll come out tomorrow, Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun! Just thinkin' about tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs, and the sorrow 'til there's none! When I'm stuck with a day, that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say....... Oh the sun'll come out tomorrow, so ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow, come what may. Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow, your only a day away.